Dear Diary #8

September 28, 2012
Dear Diary,

Okay, so this won’t be long..I wanted to post this last Wednesday but Google Chrome kept crashing and until it won’t open anymore. So I uninstalled it and I went back to Mozilla Firefox, anyway, in one of our subjects we were assigned to do a group activity and it was about the blogging. There was this blogger who posted the negative things happening in her workplace until such time there were about 3000 readers of her blog and eventually, i was traced back to her. Long story short, she was fired and she wanted compensation for damages.
All I want to say is that, any blemish of negative to derogatory things that I may have wrote here in my blog is not my true intention. Just to set things clear, I do not want to bash my school, or any institution I am involved in.

I do not want to hurt anyone or anything in what I write here in my blog, what I write are purely my opinions but again, I do not intend to harm anyone.

So far, in all my ‘Dear Diary’ posts, I haven’t wrote anything of such great controversy. I have stated at the beginning that of course I wouldn’t share everything, especially if it’s not worth sharing to the public.

Since my previous post was very personal, I’ll cut down what I write starting from now. Maybe I’ll just post those comedic times like my Moaning Myrtle moments, or my self reflections on my dwindling attitude towards my course.

Well, I don’t have 3000 readers anyway. Haha. 😀

Dear Diary #7

Sept. 24, 2012

Dear Diary,

A lot happened today, well, ‘a lot’ happened from afternoon onward. It was our recollection day today.  I wasn’t even excited, after doing it once a year for the third time now, it doesn’t give me any excitement other than the fact that there is no classes for us. It was nice to be with my friends from Section B again. The facilitator started the recollection in a good note. He told us the reflection in the story of “The Two Blind Men” in the gospel. After that, my section, A, was parted from B. We went to the other classroom and met our speaker, we only did an activity called “Jesus Chair” in which, when you touch the chair, you will have the power to dance, you perform any dance step then assign another person, that person then does the dance and makes his own steps for the next person until everyone is done. It was fun, laughing hard after being so gloomy is such a good feeling.

After that we had the (usual) snack prepared for us. After snack time both sections were merged and the speaker (the one assigned to Section B) facilitated the session. He was funny and quirky with all his movements that really made us laugh. But what really struck me was the content of what he was speaking, the generic, routinary life I feel right now. It was kind of uplifting because it is true. You say you’re “fine” even though a lot is going on, people don’t care and we yearn for illusions to come true but that only breaks our hearts.

After that was an abysmal lunch, really, the food never gets better. Then we waited in the classrooms and another scene-stealing tantrum of mine happened again. I hugged the right arm of Daddy V (we actually call him Kuya V, kuya means big brother in Filipino since he’s already 23yrs old). He’s really a nice guy, over the time when I was in a bad moo with College Crush, he’d be there joking that my crush would pay, aside from my Pare, he’s the next reason I softened up to boys, because believe me, I was androphobic, I didn’t talk to them,  and it was only in our 1st yr 2nd semester that I warmed up to them, they were kind after all. And they’re kind of special to me because they’re my first male friends.

So I hugged him and we went to the other room where my former classmates were. Actually, there was a time I hugged him worse than what I did today. I know everyone saw me and I don’t care, I don’t have any obligation to explain to them anyway, I don’t owe them anything.

The next session was held held by the speaker who did the “Jesus Chair” activity. In all honesty, he was boring and I went to sleep, then my friend told me not to sleep because those douchebag classmates of ours seated in our front view (we were formed in a U-shape) were laughing. At the back of my mind I said, and so? I know myself that if my body wants to sleep, then it will sleep. Our speaker shifted to an all boring mode and nobody was even listening anymore.

Finally, the recollection ended and me and my friends stayed at one apartment. We rested for awhile, talked and everything. I went back to my dormitory to change and put on slippers (because my killer wedge shoes need rest too!).

We rode a Jeepney to go to the mall and when we asked for the driver to stop, he didn’t stop right away because there were snatchers/thieves along the roadside. When the driver stopped, we were afraid to go but then one of us moved and all of us followed quickly.

Due to our busy schedule, it was only this time that me and my friends went out. One of my friends was going to buy pants, she didn’t buy one here so we went to another mall (by another Jeepney ride again, see how the Jeepney is so convenient, haha :D).

We saw two of our classmates who were lovers and another girl who was with someone new.  I treated my friends for dinner, we did a little grocery shopping and was then on our way home.

My friends told me that I was doing it again (the thing with Daddy V, I’ve already done with College Crush albeit in a more disastrous way). They told me that even though I don’t care our classmates still have those judgemental eyes. I know what they’re saying is true. When I was back at my dormitory, thinking about it I had a sudden reality experience.

Because my friend told me that if I keep acting that way, our classmates would think I’m “thirsty” for men. Right then I wanted to tell her that maybe I am. And I realized maybe it’s because I didn’t have much of a good shot with my father, the lack of a male figure ( although  I have my grandfather, it’s just not the same with a father), and the lack of male friend or much worse, a suitor, heck, I was even androphobic.

What everyone doesn’t understand is that when I hug them, it’s the satiation of my deprived feelings. And it is just clearly, purely, innocent friendship.

Anyway, I’m glad that I came into this realization, or else I’d end being promiscuous or desperate for a man. And I will not do any physical contact with the boys that might make another scene.

This is the longest post I wrote to you Diary, I hope that satiates my infrequent updates. 😀

Distant

Distant when I see,

You’re an elusive glory,

Heart pounding when you come closer,

I hope it does not falter.

 

I see you for a moment,

Then the world becomes silent.

For I see you again,

From way back when.

 

Lo and behold,

Your hands we’re cold.

I touched them with uncertainty,

But held them lovingly.

 

It’s refreshing to see your face,

And receive an embrace.

But its not what I want,

For you are…distant.

Dear Diary #6

September 13, 2012

Dear Diary,

Once again I feel so wasted. I feel like I’m wasting time, wasting energy, wasting tears…and I feel like such a waste of space. Like I woke up and I don’t know where I am. I don’t know why I’m here. So our professor gave us our Prelim grade though he already owes us our Midterm grades. Of course I had a failed grade. At first I was like ‘Okay, I didn’t expect any better anyway’, but then later it just grew on me. While our professor was giving one of his ‘talks’ I can’t help but compare myself to his student before. He told me that she was a good student but maybe Accounting really wasn’t for her. She shifted to Marketing Management and she was happy. I felt like I’m so much like her, except I can’t shift anymore, I’m already in my 3rd year.

 

And so, like every time, I felt like crying again and I did. I feel sad Diary, that every time I write to you, it’s always so gloomy and depressing. Though I want to tell you that I’m much fine now. I have been coping and I feel much happy compared to the other times I told you I cried.

 

I was crying in the classroom trying my best to make it subtle. I would stop then cry again. I was trying to relax again so I did breathing exercises, I breathed in and breathed out, I was swaying back and forth, until I was already closing my eyes hoping no one would see me.

 

I’d finally decided that I’d go to the comfort room. There I was again. Because I knew myself, when something bad is of matter, I won’t let it stay inside me, I would cry to let it all out. Its my way of…well, self-preservation. because if I won’t let it out, then I’m a time bomb waiting to burst.

 

I burst everything out. I feel like failure loves me as much as my desire for success. Actually, it’s not that I’m never content, it’s because I can’t be content that I failed. It’s my biggest fear in the world, to fail. Of course failure is necessary to achieve success but the only hint of success I have right now is ”success”-ive  failures. I’m just so fed up.

 

The moment I was in the last cubicle it didn’t take me long to free all the emotions, and it also didn’t take me long inside. I was thinking about my mother, my aunt, myself of course, and so my cry spurted out sounds, it wasn’t louder than my first bathroom drama but those who heard me reacted much worse than the first time. First, there was one who said ‘shit’ and then all the others followed through the door, it was so noisy that you could have mistaken it for a real stampede instead of scared girls. When they were out I heard one say ‘someone was crying’.

 

Maybe it is bad but I couldn’t help but laugh. That maybe it was God’s way to make me smile, although in a naughty way, haha. I waited for a bit to go out and when I saw my face, I was surprised. I didn’t look like I cried at all, except for my face’s gloomy build-up, the usual signs that I cried weren’t there. I would normally have puffy red eyes with matching Rudolph ‘the red-nosed reindeer’ nose, so red that it’s ready for Christmas.

 

I came back inside the classroom and drank water. If there is one thing I learned after being a drama queen, it’s that water is so refreshing and relieving after you cried.

 

I was writing this when my classmate asked me if she can look at it and I blocked it because I’m shy. Haha!

 

Oh well, ’til next time…and I’ll try to avoid making Moaning Myrtle an urban legend in the 2nd floor ladies’ room. 🙂

Once Upon A Dream

Once Upon A Dream

Once Upon A Dream by berryjudi featuring cameo jewelry

Plastic bangle
modcloth.com

Movie Maidens: Princess Leia

Movie Maidens: Princess Leia

Movie Maidens: Princess Leia by berryjudi featuring glitter ballerina flats

Zipper dress
$260 – youheshe.com

Valentino polo top
$795 – farfetch.com

Mimco hair accessory
$41 – mimco.com.au

Pearl hair accessory
$16 – joythestore.com

L.O.V.E.

Thy chaste, thy pure,

Thy sweet love’s demure.

Open your heart

and let it be a start.

 

Love is innocent,

Love is free.

It is in our embodiment,

That we cannot simply see.

 

Love, human,

Be not shy.

It is in every man,

To Love even if we cry.

 

Be not afraid,

You will feel secure.

Land in the right shade,

And love will always endure.

Movie Maidens: Padme Amidala

Movie Maidens: Padme Amidala

Movie Maidens: Padme Amidala by berryjudi featuring red gold jewelry

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