Dear Diary #6

September 13, 2012

Dear Diary,

Once again I feel so wasted. I feel like I’m wasting time, wasting energy, wasting tears…and I feel like such a waste of space. Like I woke up and I don’t know where I am. I don’t know why I’m here. So our professor gave us our Prelim grade though he already owes us our Midterm grades. Of course I had a failed grade. At first I was like ‘Okay, I didn’t expect any better anyway’, but then later it just grew on me. While our professor was giving one of his ‘talks’ I can’t help but compare myself to his student before. He told me that she was a good student but maybe Accounting really wasn’t for her. She shifted to Marketing Management and she was happy. I felt like I’m so much like her, except I can’t shift anymore, I’m already in my 3rd year.

 

And so, like every time, I felt like crying again and I did. I feel sad Diary, that every time I write to you, it’s always so gloomy and depressing. Though I want to tell you that I’m much fine now. I have been coping and I feel much happy compared to the other times I told you I cried.

 

I was crying in the classroom trying my best to make it subtle. I would stop then cry again. I was trying to relax again so I did breathing exercises, I breathed in and breathed out, I was swaying back and forth, until I was already closing my eyes hoping no one would see me.

 

I’d finally decided that I’d go to the comfort room. There I was again. Because I knew myself, when something bad is of matter, I won’t let it stay inside me, I would cry to let it all out. Its my way of…well, self-preservation. because if I won’t let it out, then I’m a time bomb waiting to burst.

 

I burst everything out. I feel like failure loves me as much as my desire for success. Actually, it’s not that I’m never content, it’s because I can’t be content that I failed. It’s my biggest fear in the world, to fail. Of course failure is necessary to achieve success but the only hint of success I have right now is ”success”-ive  failures. I’m just so fed up.

 

The moment I was in the last cubicle it didn’t take me long to free all the emotions, and it also didn’t take me long inside. I was thinking about my mother, my aunt, myself of course, and so my cry spurted out sounds, it wasn’t louder than my first bathroom drama but those who heard me reacted much worse than the first time. First, there was one who said ‘shit’ and then all the others followed through the door, it was so noisy that you could have mistaken it for a real stampede instead of scared girls. When they were out I heard one say ‘someone was crying’.

 

Maybe it is bad but I couldn’t help but laugh. That maybe it was God’s way to make me smile, although in a naughty way, haha. I waited for a bit to go out and when I saw my face, I was surprised. I didn’t look like I cried at all, except for my face’s gloomy build-up, the usual signs that I cried weren’t there. I would normally have puffy red eyes with matching Rudolph ‘the red-nosed reindeer’ nose, so red that it’s ready for Christmas.

 

I came back inside the classroom and drank water. If there is one thing I learned after being a drama queen, it’s that water is so refreshing and relieving after you cried.

 

I was writing this when my classmate asked me if she can look at it and I blocked it because I’m shy. Haha!

 

Oh well, ’til next time…and I’ll try to avoid making Moaning Myrtle an urban legend in the 2nd floor ladies’ room. 🙂

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog Stats

  • 1,281 hits
%d bloggers like this: