Dear Diary #7

Sept. 24, 2012

Dear Diary,

A lot happened today, well, ‘a lot’ happened from afternoon onward. It was our recollection day today.  I wasn’t even excited, after doing it once a year for the third time now, it doesn’t give me any excitement other than the fact that there is no classes for us. It was nice to be with my friends from Section B again. The facilitator started the recollection in a good note. He told us the reflection in the story of “The Two Blind Men” in the gospel. After that, my section, A, was parted from B. We went to the other classroom and met our speaker, we only did an activity called “Jesus Chair” in which, when you touch the chair, you will have the power to dance, you perform any dance step then assign another person, that person then does the dance and makes his own steps for the next person until everyone is done. It was fun, laughing hard after being so gloomy is such a good feeling.

After that we had the (usual) snack prepared for us. After snack time both sections were merged and the speaker (the one assigned to Section B) facilitated the session. He was funny and quirky with all his movements that really made us laugh. But what really struck me was the content of what he was speaking, the generic, routinary life I feel right now. It was kind of uplifting because it is true. You say you’re “fine” even though a lot is going on, people don’t care and we yearn for illusions to come true but that only breaks our hearts.

After that was an abysmal lunch, really, the food never gets better. Then we waited in the classrooms and another scene-stealing tantrum of mine happened again. I hugged the right arm of Daddy V (we actually call him Kuya V, kuya means big brother in Filipino since he’s already 23yrs old). He’s really a nice guy, over the time when I was in a bad moo with College Crush, he’d be there joking that my crush would pay, aside from my Pare, he’s the next reason I softened up to boys, because believe me, I was androphobic, I didn’t talk to them,  and it was only in our 1st yr 2nd semester that I warmed up to them, they were kind after all. And they’re kind of special to me because they’re my first male friends.

So I hugged him and we went to the other room where my former classmates were. Actually, there was a time I hugged him worse than what I did today. I know everyone saw me and I don’t care, I don’t have any obligation to explain to them anyway, I don’t owe them anything.

The next session was held held by the speaker who did the “Jesus Chair” activity. In all honesty, he was boring and I went to sleep, then my friend told me not to sleep because those douchebag classmates of ours seated in our front view (we were formed in a U-shape) were laughing. At the back of my mind I said, and so? I know myself that if my body wants to sleep, then it will sleep. Our speaker shifted to an all boring mode and nobody was even listening anymore.

Finally, the recollection ended and me and my friends stayed at one apartment. We rested for awhile, talked and everything. I went back to my dormitory to change and put on slippers (because my killer wedge shoes need rest too!).

We rode a Jeepney to go to the mall and when we asked for the driver to stop, he didn’t stop right away because there were snatchers/thieves along the roadside. When the driver stopped, we were afraid to go but then one of us moved and all of us followed quickly.

Due to our busy schedule, it was only this time that me and my friends went out. One of my friends was going to buy pants, she didn’t buy one here so we went to another mall (by another Jeepney ride again, see how the Jeepney is so convenient, haha :D).

We saw two of our classmates who were lovers and another girl who was with someone new.  I treated my friends for dinner, we did a little grocery shopping and was then on our way home.

My friends told me that I was doing it again (the thing with Daddy V, I’ve already done with College Crush albeit in a more disastrous way). They told me that even though I don’t care our classmates still have those judgemental eyes. I know what they’re saying is true. When I was back at my dormitory, thinking about it I had a sudden reality experience.

Because my friend told me that if I keep acting that way, our classmates would think I’m “thirsty” for men. Right then I wanted to tell her that maybe I am. And I realized maybe it’s because I didn’t have much of a good shot with my father, the lack of a male figure ( although  I have my grandfather, it’s just not the same with a father), and the lack of male friend or much worse, a suitor, heck, I was even androphobic.

What everyone doesn’t understand is that when I hug them, it’s the satiation of my deprived feelings. And it is just clearly, purely, innocent friendship.

Anyway, I’m glad that I came into this realization, or else I’d end being promiscuous or desperate for a man. And I will not do any physical contact with the boys that might make another scene.

This is the longest post I wrote to you Diary, I hope that satiates my infrequent updates. 😀

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