Lies and Tears

I have loved and I was robbed.

I love you…But I couldn’t say it to you.

Now I’m sad and I wish time could have stopped.

I never had the chance to say what was true.

 

It was the lies. The lies that glued us.

Slowly, painfully, it was breaking my heart.

And I thought all I had was lust.

No, not just my heart, but myself was tearing apart. 

Motivational Speech

Hello! I’ve been inactive for so long, but this is my last week for the semester so I can be online more often now.

This is our final requirement for our speech class, I thought of sharing this since I haven’t posted anything much this March. I had a few errors but I already edited them, and I think I’m going away with the main idea of the speech but I think I carried it through the end and it made sense. And I think it’s becoming an inspirational speech rather than a motivational one, oh well.

Here it goes:

“IT’S DARK BECAUSE YOU ARE TRYING TOO HARD. LIGHTLY CHILD, LIGHTLY. LEARN TO DO EVERYTHING LIGHTLY. YES, FEEL LIGHTLY EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE FEELING DEEPLY. JUST LIGHTLY LET THINGS HAPPEN AND LIGHTLY COPE WITH THEM. I WAS SO PREPOSTEROUSLY SERIOUS IN THOSE DAYS…LIGHTLY, LIGHTLY—IT’S THE BEST ADVICE EVER GIVEN ME. SO THROW AWAY YOUR BAGGAGE AND GO FORWARD. THERE ARE QUICKSANDS ALL ABOUT YOU, SUCKING AT YOUR FEET, TRYING TO SUCK YOU DOWN INTO FEAR AND SELF-PITY AND DESPAIR. THAT’S WHY YOU MUST WALK SO LIGHTLY. LIGHTLY, MY DARLING.”

– Aldous Huxley

Friends, neighbors, colleagues, ladies and gentlemen, an enlightened morning to you all! I shared to you a quote from Aldous Huxley, and doesn’t it speak to each one of us? Who here doesn’t know of sadness? Despair? Loneliness? Anxiety? Suffering? Madness? I know of none.

Life is such an adventure that bumps, cracks, and stops are sure to come along the way. Indeed, life is not all smiles, the minute we were born in this world, we cry and it is a sign that we are alive. Yes, crying proves that we are alive, that we live, that we feel, that we are human. But crying is not always the solution. Crying doesn’t answer everything.

Have you ever felt so low and so down that you can’t even hold on to something? That all you can do is keep on falling, no one is there by your side, you feel all alone and there is no trace of hope you could ever chance upon. Does fear set you back in everything you do or wanted to do? Is everyday such a struggle that it already feels like torture? Do you feel so empty that nothing in this world could ever define you?

To everyone in front of me right now, when was the last time you laughed so hard? When was the last time you said ‘I love you’ truthfully and sincerely and when was the last time it was said to you? When was the last time you ate something so delicious? When was the last time you had a good conversation with a friend? When was the last time you listened to a good song and danced to it? When was last time you sang in the shower or just sang your heart out? When was the last time you thanked God?

Yes, life can be hard and it can be very heavy to carry on. But look, we’re still alive. It seems like yesterday when our troubles were looking for our missing crayon and not coloring past the lines of illustrations. It seems like yesterday when it was like the end of the world when your friend will be absent to school. It seems like yesterday when we would yawn to boring teachers and the thrill of our lives were those two hands moving in the clock. It seems like yesterday when all the high school drama just happened, fights, arguments, trends you got hooked on, friends who became enemies, friends who became strangers. It seems like yesterday when your failing grades were the biggest thing in the world and you would do anything and everything to pass. It seems like yesterday that we had trouble making friends. It seems like yesterday when we had to endure a joke that isn’t funny and hurts inside.

Well, it was yesterday. Wasn’t it then that we hoped? That we dreamed? That we moved on? The tomorrow we wanted is now. Yesterday, all the heartaches and pain, is now gone, so I want you to congratulate yourself. If you made it then, you will make it now no matter what it is.

Life is a book with many chapters, don’t stop reading, and don’t stop writing. Go on. Every step is a start of a journey. Every way may not turn out to be good, but we can still get something from it for we have learned.

We could go on and on and on with how hard life is, but what’s more important is living, than crying, moping, worrying or being sad about it.drea

Remember, you have dreams to fulfill, hope right in your pocket, and realizations yet to discover. You will be surprised with many things, with things you can achieve, things you can and are yet to do, and things you have already surpassed.

If life can be summed up in three words then it is: Life Goes On. It’s continuous. So we too, should be continuous, keep moving. Just like the clock, don’t stare at it, do what it does, keep moving. In everyday, the simple things we do teach us this value. We prepare our food, we cook, we eat, we wash the dishes. After each activity, there is another inevitable one coming along the way that we should do. Even maneuvers when driving, you must have taken the wrong way and need to go back, or you need to turn in order to go where you want to. It takes time but so what? You are heading towards somewhere, and most importantly, you are moving.

All of us are students. All of must learn. To live is also to learn. In our mathematics subjects, we became familiar with the process of simplification. It is the process of simplifying complicated equations to simple ones. In life, there are many complicated things. We often complain and shout out that “Why is life so complicated?” My answer to that, ladies and gentlemen is, for us to make it simple. Yes, you heard right. So is the same with the question, “Why is life so unfair?” Well, for us to make it fair. Other than karma, we live in this world to make things right, to do good even if evil is spread out around us, to be just even if injustices are tempting us.

A good man by the name of Charlie Chaplin once said: “Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.” I couldn’t agree more. All we see is the pain, the hurt, and the sufferings, that we overlook the warm sunsets, the fresh flowers, and the morning dew by the time we wake up already tired even before starting to get up for a new day. We overlook the small smiles that creek up on our faces, the little favors others do for us, the joys of what we already have, and yet we complain, stay ignorant, selfish but most of all, foolish. We overlook the stars in the night sky, the cool breeze in the air, the moon brightly lit amongst the stars, that all we say come night time is how horrible the day was or how horrible it would be again for tomorrow.

We live in this fast, ever growing and ever changing world, that all of us busy with work, with school, with something else that keeps us from seeing that the world is truly beautiful, no matter how cruel or hard it is to live in it. Take the time to just sit down, relax, and look at the sky. In the end, it will be us regretting that we didn’t appreciate these things when we had the time.

Take things lightly, as what Aldous Huxley says. Ladies and gentlemen, I do not want to waste much time saying how the world is beautiful, rather than truly appreciating it, I leave that to you if you have ever realized anything from what I said. If you get mad, offended, or have any violent reaction…Well, bring it on. But I have you know, I will accept whatever comes along, but of course, I would take it lightly. That is all! And once again, an enlightened morning to you all!

#

Dear Diary #11

January 16, 2013

Dear Diary,

I know I don’t post much lately…It’s not because I don’t want to, it’s just that the days would just pass by. I’m with mixed emotions because this is what I wanted, I want the days to pass by quickly because I can’t wait to graduate. It’s still a year before that but I can’t wait, as you know, I’m unhappy with my course…But I have been coping up as I said. And I do feel better, sometimes too better I think. And maybe that’s good rather than me sulking every time. I think I could go on too without another visit to the guidance councilor. It feels good that I can cheer up myself once again.

Moving on, last night I finished the anime Daddy Long Legs. I’ve been watching the episode since last year and it gave me quite an experience. Its an adaptation of Jean Webster’s novel with some changes. I haven’t read the novel yet, but the anime is somehow nostalgic. It was aired and dubbed in the Philippines when I was young and honestly, I didn’t watch it, except for one time and that’s all I can recall. It’s either they aired it when I was in Guam or that it is airing on TV and I refuse to watch it simply because I’m not too fond of Judy’s “Pippi Longstocking” hair.  What made it nostalgic was that I share the same name with the protagonist- Judy, but mine is spelled with an ‘i’. I remember high school classmates who call me Judy Abbott sometimes. And last semester a classmate asked if I knew Daddy Long Legs. I would always say yes because I am familiar with it but haven’t had the chance to really watch the series. I realized it’s one of the anime series that made our childhood along with Princess Sarah, Sailor Moon, Doraemon, Hello Kitty, etc.

So I decided to watch the series and I was very surprised because I enjoyed watching it, especially during Christmas vacation. I watched episode after episode and though it was predictable at times, it was very fun to watch. What made me so engaging was the fact that I actually have a lot of similarities with Judy Abbott. I’m also a writer, I’m also a poet, she has written short stories which I’ve done too, she has written novels which is I want to do, they acted William Shakespeare’s As You Like It while that was the play assigned to our class in our junior year, she writes letters regularly and I write letters to my two best friends though not regularly,  she writes to her ”Daddy” while I’ve always written in diaries even though it seems like I’m just talking to myself. Her birthplace is New York which is where I want to go. Even the way she acts when teased with boys, I see myself and I just laugh while watching.

I couldn’t believe that I would instantly fall in love with it.  I judged it even before watching it and now that I gave it a chance, I just simply adore it. And like anyone who has ever finished watching a series, I’m in a “what now?” state, but it left quite an impression on me and I’m glad it did.

What I want now is Judy’s cheerful nature, when I was a child I know I was that cheerful, but growing up I began to show a shy, quiet, introverted side in me. Sometimes I miss that child, sometimes I cry when I remember her, it’s like I don’t know her but I know I do. Maybe she is still inside me, I’m not sure, but when I know I’ll tell you. Cheers, 🙂

Random Sadness

Hello dismal skies,

My sadness greets again,

Its different way back then.

As my will is crushed,

And my spirit is bruised,

I’m ready, shower me with your cries.

Gray School Day

Seasons Greetings everyone!

I’m having a good time and one of the reasons is that I’m out of school, if I sound like I hate school (I don’t really hate school, just my course) well…you get my tone. 🙂

Here is a poem I made just this month. A good thing about the holiday season is my bitterness is somehow ”turned off”. 🙂

So here it is:

On the painted bench I sat perfectly still,

But waiting here is out of my will.

I look up to change what’s in sight,

Nothing more than the florescent light.

 

I slouched with my head down,

For nothing’s heavier than a frown.

Slowly, almost relaxing, I closed my eyes,

To feel what’s inside, to hear my body’s cries.

 

Familiar voices came across me,

Then I opened my eyes to see.

But everything happened in a blur,

I’m still alive, aren’t I sir?

 

Suddenly I’ve been kissed,

Our classes have been dismissed.

Nothing is worse than being gray,

Trying to be okay on a school day.

The Wrong One

Can’t you feel my cries,

When will I be beautiful in your eyes?

To you I must be so wrong,

Now perfection is what I long.

 

But when will it be?

When will you see?

I have changed for you,

But nothing went anew.

 

She must be pretty as can be,

For there exists no you and me.

From then my adoration died,

But baby I tried, I tried.

 

I tremble in your sight,

But I stand up with might.

So you could see I’m strong,

And you’re the one who’s wrong.

 

Dear Diary #6

September 13, 2012

Dear Diary,

Once again I feel so wasted. I feel like I’m wasting time, wasting energy, wasting tears…and I feel like such a waste of space. Like I woke up and I don’t know where I am. I don’t know why I’m here. So our professor gave us our Prelim grade though he already owes us our Midterm grades. Of course I had a failed grade. At first I was like ‘Okay, I didn’t expect any better anyway’, but then later it just grew on me. While our professor was giving one of his ‘talks’ I can’t help but compare myself to his student before. He told me that she was a good student but maybe Accounting really wasn’t for her. She shifted to Marketing Management and she was happy. I felt like I’m so much like her, except I can’t shift anymore, I’m already in my 3rd year.

 

And so, like every time, I felt like crying again and I did. I feel sad Diary, that every time I write to you, it’s always so gloomy and depressing. Though I want to tell you that I’m much fine now. I have been coping and I feel much happy compared to the other times I told you I cried.

 

I was crying in the classroom trying my best to make it subtle. I would stop then cry again. I was trying to relax again so I did breathing exercises, I breathed in and breathed out, I was swaying back and forth, until I was already closing my eyes hoping no one would see me.

 

I’d finally decided that I’d go to the comfort room. There I was again. Because I knew myself, when something bad is of matter, I won’t let it stay inside me, I would cry to let it all out. Its my way of…well, self-preservation. because if I won’t let it out, then I’m a time bomb waiting to burst.

 

I burst everything out. I feel like failure loves me as much as my desire for success. Actually, it’s not that I’m never content, it’s because I can’t be content that I failed. It’s my biggest fear in the world, to fail. Of course failure is necessary to achieve success but the only hint of success I have right now is ”success”-ive  failures. I’m just so fed up.

 

The moment I was in the last cubicle it didn’t take me long to free all the emotions, and it also didn’t take me long inside. I was thinking about my mother, my aunt, myself of course, and so my cry spurted out sounds, it wasn’t louder than my first bathroom drama but those who heard me reacted much worse than the first time. First, there was one who said ‘shit’ and then all the others followed through the door, it was so noisy that you could have mistaken it for a real stampede instead of scared girls. When they were out I heard one say ‘someone was crying’.

 

Maybe it is bad but I couldn’t help but laugh. That maybe it was God’s way to make me smile, although in a naughty way, haha. I waited for a bit to go out and when I saw my face, I was surprised. I didn’t look like I cried at all, except for my face’s gloomy build-up, the usual signs that I cried weren’t there. I would normally have puffy red eyes with matching Rudolph ‘the red-nosed reindeer’ nose, so red that it’s ready for Christmas.

 

I came back inside the classroom and drank water. If there is one thing I learned after being a drama queen, it’s that water is so refreshing and relieving after you cried.

 

I was writing this when my classmate asked me if she can look at it and I blocked it because I’m shy. Haha!

 

Oh well, ’til next time…and I’ll try to avoid making Moaning Myrtle an urban legend in the 2nd floor ladies’ room. 🙂

L.O.V.E.

Thy chaste, thy pure,

Thy sweet love’s demure.

Open your heart

and let it be a start.

 

Love is innocent,

Love is free.

It is in our embodiment,

That we cannot simply see.

 

Love, human,

Be not shy.

It is in every man,

To Love even if we cry.

 

Be not afraid,

You will feel secure.

Land in the right shade,

And love will always endure.

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