The Sea

Since its new year, its the time to liven up and look forward to what’s coming upon us. I have been very vocal about how unhappy I was this 2012, but I hope 2013 would be much a better year for me. I have no ”new year resolution”, but I’ll still do my best, and starting from now, I’d throw any setback away from me. After all, I’m a dreamer and I can’t let anything hinder me.

With that, I share with you, probably the most evident poem of my depression. Someday there will come another chapter in my life that will bring sadness again, but until then, I bring the strength I have from these sad moments in my life.

 

The days greet me with sadness,

And I respond with my madness.

Flames just waiting to burst,

I place a fist to my heart first.

 

To agony, my eyes are closed,

But to myself, it’s clearly exposed.

I beget the sorrows of everyday,

And I try hard to forget as time goes away.

 

A tired soul in me,

I try to rise up for harmony.

And again, life pulls me down,

Imprinting to myself, more than a frown.

 

Though the weight of the world is in my shoulders,

I speak, no one listens, and it lingers.

I drowned myself for I can’t take no more,

Behold! I’m still alive, walking past the shore.

 

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Gray School Day

Seasons Greetings everyone!

I’m having a good time and one of the reasons is that I’m out of school, if I sound like I hate school (I don’t really hate school, just my course) well…you get my tone. 🙂

Here is a poem I made just this month. A good thing about the holiday season is my bitterness is somehow ”turned off”. 🙂

So here it is:

On the painted bench I sat perfectly still,

But waiting here is out of my will.

I look up to change what’s in sight,

Nothing more than the florescent light.

 

I slouched with my head down,

For nothing’s heavier than a frown.

Slowly, almost relaxing, I closed my eyes,

To feel what’s inside, to hear my body’s cries.

 

Familiar voices came across me,

Then I opened my eyes to see.

But everything happened in a blur,

I’m still alive, aren’t I sir?

 

Suddenly I’ve been kissed,

Our classes have been dismissed.

Nothing is worse than being gray,

Trying to be okay on a school day.

The Wrong One

Can’t you feel my cries,

When will I be beautiful in your eyes?

To you I must be so wrong,

Now perfection is what I long.

 

But when will it be?

When will you see?

I have changed for you,

But nothing went anew.

 

She must be pretty as can be,

For there exists no you and me.

From then my adoration died,

But baby I tried, I tried.

 

I tremble in your sight,

But I stand up with might.

So you could see I’m strong,

And you’re the one who’s wrong.

 

Dear Diary #6

September 13, 2012

Dear Diary,

Once again I feel so wasted. I feel like I’m wasting time, wasting energy, wasting tears…and I feel like such a waste of space. Like I woke up and I don’t know where I am. I don’t know why I’m here. So our professor gave us our Prelim grade though he already owes us our Midterm grades. Of course I had a failed grade. At first I was like ‘Okay, I didn’t expect any better anyway’, but then later it just grew on me. While our professor was giving one of his ‘talks’ I can’t help but compare myself to his student before. He told me that she was a good student but maybe Accounting really wasn’t for her. She shifted to Marketing Management and she was happy. I felt like I’m so much like her, except I can’t shift anymore, I’m already in my 3rd year.

 

And so, like every time, I felt like crying again and I did. I feel sad Diary, that every time I write to you, it’s always so gloomy and depressing. Though I want to tell you that I’m much fine now. I have been coping and I feel much happy compared to the other times I told you I cried.

 

I was crying in the classroom trying my best to make it subtle. I would stop then cry again. I was trying to relax again so I did breathing exercises, I breathed in and breathed out, I was swaying back and forth, until I was already closing my eyes hoping no one would see me.

 

I’d finally decided that I’d go to the comfort room. There I was again. Because I knew myself, when something bad is of matter, I won’t let it stay inside me, I would cry to let it all out. Its my way of…well, self-preservation. because if I won’t let it out, then I’m a time bomb waiting to burst.

 

I burst everything out. I feel like failure loves me as much as my desire for success. Actually, it’s not that I’m never content, it’s because I can’t be content that I failed. It’s my biggest fear in the world, to fail. Of course failure is necessary to achieve success but the only hint of success I have right now is ”success”-ive  failures. I’m just so fed up.

 

The moment I was in the last cubicle it didn’t take me long to free all the emotions, and it also didn’t take me long inside. I was thinking about my mother, my aunt, myself of course, and so my cry spurted out sounds, it wasn’t louder than my first bathroom drama but those who heard me reacted much worse than the first time. First, there was one who said ‘shit’ and then all the others followed through the door, it was so noisy that you could have mistaken it for a real stampede instead of scared girls. When they were out I heard one say ‘someone was crying’.

 

Maybe it is bad but I couldn’t help but laugh. That maybe it was God’s way to make me smile, although in a naughty way, haha. I waited for a bit to go out and when I saw my face, I was surprised. I didn’t look like I cried at all, except for my face’s gloomy build-up, the usual signs that I cried weren’t there. I would normally have puffy red eyes with matching Rudolph ‘the red-nosed reindeer’ nose, so red that it’s ready for Christmas.

 

I came back inside the classroom and drank water. If there is one thing I learned after being a drama queen, it’s that water is so refreshing and relieving after you cried.

 

I was writing this when my classmate asked me if she can look at it and I blocked it because I’m shy. Haha!

 

Oh well, ’til next time…and I’ll try to avoid making Moaning Myrtle an urban legend in the 2nd floor ladies’ room. 🙂

The True Meaning

All of us have our own way of defining love and everything entangled with it…well, here’s mine at the height of my “crush feel”.

 

The True Meaning

To be unloved by you; I feel unloved by the world.

Seeing you with that woman; is seeing an angel speak to death.

Just a glimpse of you; is a view from top of the mountain.

A joke from you; are tickles in my heart.

A simple pat from you; is an encouragement for me.

When you speak; it’s the sound of the harp being played by an angel inside my head.

When you dance; it’s the frolic of pixies.

When you sing; it’s from the sweet air of the cold breeze.

When you long for her; I feel crushed by both ends of the earth.

Hold me; and I feel fairies caress my mortal flesh.

Your happiness; is the success I feel though I never had.

Your sadness; is the eruption of endless worries in me.

Your gestures; are movements that make pure joy.

Your laughs; are sound of droplets from heaven.

Your hands; when I hold them, it must be the feeling of touching the clouds.

Your eyes; are doors to a world I’ve never been.

And everything you do; are moments forever stored in my mind and in my heart.

Inamorato

I close my eyes, then I mesmerize

A human being, for whom I have a liking.

That figure…of a beautiful creature

I always find, crawling in my mind.

 

I see him, when everything is dim.

The heart that I fervor, is of the sweetest flavor.

You shower me with thoughts, flaming my heart with droughts.

You sew the dark seams, filling up my dreams.

 

Love I didn’t ask for, but it gives me the feeling of ardor.

I can’t ask for more, you’ll always be Mi Amor.

For you I always adore, I bathe in your splendor.

It’s the smell of utter joy in flesh,

Heaven and earth in mesh.

 

Love is the aggregation, of my deep affection.

Now  understand every sweet song,

And you are all that I long.

Even if my world is in blue,

I’ll always love you.

Every second it’s you I breath,

Even the sky is underneath.

A Heart Of Butterflies

I always remember,

How you closed my eyes

To your sweet surrender.

Oh, how time flies…

 

Moments of silence,

Is when my heart shouts loudest.

For my love dwells in solace.

You have a maiden now I must be modest.

 

But there are still butterflies in my heart,

Fluttering outside the fence,

that’s keeping our world’s apart.

They wander your midst in my defense.

 

Will my butterflies breath

Dominate your reserved garden?

Or will they be crushed to death,

By you and your maiden?

Eyes of Passion

You will still choose her,

It doesn’t matter, everything I’d do for you,

But ask me and I’ll answer,

I keep loving you that’s what I do.

 

My eyes are filled with desire,

With your eyes filled with passion.

But clearly I am not the one you admire.

Lucky is the girl who receives your adoration.

 

Nothing I can do, that you love her more,

But with your presence I suddenly fall.

I’m just a girl knocking at your door,

Someone’s already there and I receive no answer at all.

 

But here I am still waiting, still hoping.

That one day it will be,

No more wishful thinking,

For you would finally see me.

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