Dear Diary #12 – To My 100 Followers :)

April 24, 2013

 

Dear Diary,

It’s the same thing again, with my usual “I don’t post lately because I’m busy” mood. I was really, really, really busy. With my life and everything that has been going on, it hurt me that I could only post once a week, with only a Polyvore set. I have experienced one of the biggest whirlwinds in my life so far, and up to now, it still has its effect on me. Another thing that hurts me is that I have to wait and it almost felt like an eternity, but days, no matter bad or good, pass by so quickly. It’s a bittersweet thing because I still want to enjoy me life as a teenager and months from now, I’m going to be twenty already. I want to enjoy every single day but at the back of my mind are thoughts that I want it to be next year already, because I just want to graduate.

It took a long time before I realized this and I’m surprised I haven’t thought of it earlier, it has come to a point that college life already felt like prison. Prison, it’s the perfect word to describe what I feel and experience in my current college life. Because I have no freedom, only waiting for the time I’ll be set free. I could complain, cry, and mope all I want but I’m stuck here. Prison.

I’ll just take it that it must be a challenge for me, to be happy in spite of what I am experiencing.

But what keeps me holding on are my dreams, my family & friends,  and the beauty of the future, and I am thankful for that…Love, Bee. 🙂

 

To all followers, thank you for appreciating my works!

Motivational Speech

Hello! I’ve been inactive for so long, but this is my last week for the semester so I can be online more often now.

This is our final requirement for our speech class, I thought of sharing this since I haven’t posted anything much this March. I had a few errors but I already edited them, and I think I’m going away with the main idea of the speech but I think I carried it through the end and it made sense. And I think it’s becoming an inspirational speech rather than a motivational one, oh well.

Here it goes:

“IT’S DARK BECAUSE YOU ARE TRYING TOO HARD. LIGHTLY CHILD, LIGHTLY. LEARN TO DO EVERYTHING LIGHTLY. YES, FEEL LIGHTLY EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE FEELING DEEPLY. JUST LIGHTLY LET THINGS HAPPEN AND LIGHTLY COPE WITH THEM. I WAS SO PREPOSTEROUSLY SERIOUS IN THOSE DAYS…LIGHTLY, LIGHTLY—IT’S THE BEST ADVICE EVER GIVEN ME. SO THROW AWAY YOUR BAGGAGE AND GO FORWARD. THERE ARE QUICKSANDS ALL ABOUT YOU, SUCKING AT YOUR FEET, TRYING TO SUCK YOU DOWN INTO FEAR AND SELF-PITY AND DESPAIR. THAT’S WHY YOU MUST WALK SO LIGHTLY. LIGHTLY, MY DARLING.”

– Aldous Huxley

Friends, neighbors, colleagues, ladies and gentlemen, an enlightened morning to you all! I shared to you a quote from Aldous Huxley, and doesn’t it speak to each one of us? Who here doesn’t know of sadness? Despair? Loneliness? Anxiety? Suffering? Madness? I know of none.

Life is such an adventure that bumps, cracks, and stops are sure to come along the way. Indeed, life is not all smiles, the minute we were born in this world, we cry and it is a sign that we are alive. Yes, crying proves that we are alive, that we live, that we feel, that we are human. But crying is not always the solution. Crying doesn’t answer everything.

Have you ever felt so low and so down that you can’t even hold on to something? That all you can do is keep on falling, no one is there by your side, you feel all alone and there is no trace of hope you could ever chance upon. Does fear set you back in everything you do or wanted to do? Is everyday such a struggle that it already feels like torture? Do you feel so empty that nothing in this world could ever define you?

To everyone in front of me right now, when was the last time you laughed so hard? When was the last time you said ‘I love you’ truthfully and sincerely and when was the last time it was said to you? When was the last time you ate something so delicious? When was the last time you had a good conversation with a friend? When was the last time you listened to a good song and danced to it? When was last time you sang in the shower or just sang your heart out? When was the last time you thanked God?

Yes, life can be hard and it can be very heavy to carry on. But look, we’re still alive. It seems like yesterday when our troubles were looking for our missing crayon and not coloring past the lines of illustrations. It seems like yesterday when it was like the end of the world when your friend will be absent to school. It seems like yesterday when we would yawn to boring teachers and the thrill of our lives were those two hands moving in the clock. It seems like yesterday when all the high school drama just happened, fights, arguments, trends you got hooked on, friends who became enemies, friends who became strangers. It seems like yesterday when your failing grades were the biggest thing in the world and you would do anything and everything to pass. It seems like yesterday that we had trouble making friends. It seems like yesterday when we had to endure a joke that isn’t funny and hurts inside.

Well, it was yesterday. Wasn’t it then that we hoped? That we dreamed? That we moved on? The tomorrow we wanted is now. Yesterday, all the heartaches and pain, is now gone, so I want you to congratulate yourself. If you made it then, you will make it now no matter what it is.

Life is a book with many chapters, don’t stop reading, and don’t stop writing. Go on. Every step is a start of a journey. Every way may not turn out to be good, but we can still get something from it for we have learned.

We could go on and on and on with how hard life is, but what’s more important is living, than crying, moping, worrying or being sad about it.drea

Remember, you have dreams to fulfill, hope right in your pocket, and realizations yet to discover. You will be surprised with many things, with things you can achieve, things you can and are yet to do, and things you have already surpassed.

If life can be summed up in three words then it is: Life Goes On. It’s continuous. So we too, should be continuous, keep moving. Just like the clock, don’t stare at it, do what it does, keep moving. In everyday, the simple things we do teach us this value. We prepare our food, we cook, we eat, we wash the dishes. After each activity, there is another inevitable one coming along the way that we should do. Even maneuvers when driving, you must have taken the wrong way and need to go back, or you need to turn in order to go where you want to. It takes time but so what? You are heading towards somewhere, and most importantly, you are moving.

All of us are students. All of must learn. To live is also to learn. In our mathematics subjects, we became familiar with the process of simplification. It is the process of simplifying complicated equations to simple ones. In life, there are many complicated things. We often complain and shout out that “Why is life so complicated?” My answer to that, ladies and gentlemen is, for us to make it simple. Yes, you heard right. So is the same with the question, “Why is life so unfair?” Well, for us to make it fair. Other than karma, we live in this world to make things right, to do good even if evil is spread out around us, to be just even if injustices are tempting us.

A good man by the name of Charlie Chaplin once said: “Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.” I couldn’t agree more. All we see is the pain, the hurt, and the sufferings, that we overlook the warm sunsets, the fresh flowers, and the morning dew by the time we wake up already tired even before starting to get up for a new day. We overlook the small smiles that creek up on our faces, the little favors others do for us, the joys of what we already have, and yet we complain, stay ignorant, selfish but most of all, foolish. We overlook the stars in the night sky, the cool breeze in the air, the moon brightly lit amongst the stars, that all we say come night time is how horrible the day was or how horrible it would be again for tomorrow.

We live in this fast, ever growing and ever changing world, that all of us busy with work, with school, with something else that keeps us from seeing that the world is truly beautiful, no matter how cruel or hard it is to live in it. Take the time to just sit down, relax, and look at the sky. In the end, it will be us regretting that we didn’t appreciate these things when we had the time.

Take things lightly, as what Aldous Huxley says. Ladies and gentlemen, I do not want to waste much time saying how the world is beautiful, rather than truly appreciating it, I leave that to you if you have ever realized anything from what I said. If you get mad, offended, or have any violent reaction…Well, bring it on. But I have you know, I will accept whatever comes along, but of course, I would take it lightly. That is all! And once again, an enlightened morning to you all!

#

Dear Diary #11

January 16, 2013

Dear Diary,

I know I don’t post much lately…It’s not because I don’t want to, it’s just that the days would just pass by. I’m with mixed emotions because this is what I wanted, I want the days to pass by quickly because I can’t wait to graduate. It’s still a year before that but I can’t wait, as you know, I’m unhappy with my course…But I have been coping up as I said. And I do feel better, sometimes too better I think. And maybe that’s good rather than me sulking every time. I think I could go on too without another visit to the guidance councilor. It feels good that I can cheer up myself once again.

Moving on, last night I finished the anime Daddy Long Legs. I’ve been watching the episode since last year and it gave me quite an experience. Its an adaptation of Jean Webster’s novel with some changes. I haven’t read the novel yet, but the anime is somehow nostalgic. It was aired and dubbed in the Philippines when I was young and honestly, I didn’t watch it, except for one time and that’s all I can recall. It’s either they aired it when I was in Guam or that it is airing on TV and I refuse to watch it simply because I’m not too fond of Judy’s “Pippi Longstocking” hair.  What made it nostalgic was that I share the same name with the protagonist- Judy, but mine is spelled with an ‘i’. I remember high school classmates who call me Judy Abbott sometimes. And last semester a classmate asked if I knew Daddy Long Legs. I would always say yes because I am familiar with it but haven’t had the chance to really watch the series. I realized it’s one of the anime series that made our childhood along with Princess Sarah, Sailor Moon, Doraemon, Hello Kitty, etc.

So I decided to watch the series and I was very surprised because I enjoyed watching it, especially during Christmas vacation. I watched episode after episode and though it was predictable at times, it was very fun to watch. What made me so engaging was the fact that I actually have a lot of similarities with Judy Abbott. I’m also a writer, I’m also a poet, she has written short stories which I’ve done too, she has written novels which is I want to do, they acted William Shakespeare’s As You Like It while that was the play assigned to our class in our junior year, she writes letters regularly and I write letters to my two best friends though not regularly,  she writes to her ”Daddy” while I’ve always written in diaries even though it seems like I’m just talking to myself. Her birthplace is New York which is where I want to go. Even the way she acts when teased with boys, I see myself and I just laugh while watching.

I couldn’t believe that I would instantly fall in love with it.  I judged it even before watching it and now that I gave it a chance, I just simply adore it. And like anyone who has ever finished watching a series, I’m in a “what now?” state, but it left quite an impression on me and I’m glad it did.

What I want now is Judy’s cheerful nature, when I was a child I know I was that cheerful, but growing up I began to show a shy, quiet, introverted side in me. Sometimes I miss that child, sometimes I cry when I remember her, it’s like I don’t know her but I know I do. Maybe she is still inside me, I’m not sure, but when I know I’ll tell you. Cheers, 🙂

Gray School Day

Seasons Greetings everyone!

I’m having a good time and one of the reasons is that I’m out of school, if I sound like I hate school (I don’t really hate school, just my course) well…you get my tone. 🙂

Here is a poem I made just this month. A good thing about the holiday season is my bitterness is somehow ”turned off”. 🙂

So here it is:

On the painted bench I sat perfectly still,

But waiting here is out of my will.

I look up to change what’s in sight,

Nothing more than the florescent light.

 

I slouched with my head down,

For nothing’s heavier than a frown.

Slowly, almost relaxing, I closed my eyes,

To feel what’s inside, to hear my body’s cries.

 

Familiar voices came across me,

Then I opened my eyes to see.

But everything happened in a blur,

I’m still alive, aren’t I sir?

 

Suddenly I’ve been kissed,

Our classes have been dismissed.

Nothing is worse than being gray,

Trying to be okay on a school day.

Dear Diary #7

Sept. 24, 2012

Dear Diary,

A lot happened today, well, ‘a lot’ happened from afternoon onward. It was our recollection day today.  I wasn’t even excited, after doing it once a year for the third time now, it doesn’t give me any excitement other than the fact that there is no classes for us. It was nice to be with my friends from Section B again. The facilitator started the recollection in a good note. He told us the reflection in the story of “The Two Blind Men” in the gospel. After that, my section, A, was parted from B. We went to the other classroom and met our speaker, we only did an activity called “Jesus Chair” in which, when you touch the chair, you will have the power to dance, you perform any dance step then assign another person, that person then does the dance and makes his own steps for the next person until everyone is done. It was fun, laughing hard after being so gloomy is such a good feeling.

After that we had the (usual) snack prepared for us. After snack time both sections were merged and the speaker (the one assigned to Section B) facilitated the session. He was funny and quirky with all his movements that really made us laugh. But what really struck me was the content of what he was speaking, the generic, routinary life I feel right now. It was kind of uplifting because it is true. You say you’re “fine” even though a lot is going on, people don’t care and we yearn for illusions to come true but that only breaks our hearts.

After that was an abysmal lunch, really, the food never gets better. Then we waited in the classrooms and another scene-stealing tantrum of mine happened again. I hugged the right arm of Daddy V (we actually call him Kuya V, kuya means big brother in Filipino since he’s already 23yrs old). He’s really a nice guy, over the time when I was in a bad moo with College Crush, he’d be there joking that my crush would pay, aside from my Pare, he’s the next reason I softened up to boys, because believe me, I was androphobic, I didn’t talk to them,  and it was only in our 1st yr 2nd semester that I warmed up to them, they were kind after all. And they’re kind of special to me because they’re my first male friends.

So I hugged him and we went to the other room where my former classmates were. Actually, there was a time I hugged him worse than what I did today. I know everyone saw me and I don’t care, I don’t have any obligation to explain to them anyway, I don’t owe them anything.

The next session was held held by the speaker who did the “Jesus Chair” activity. In all honesty, he was boring and I went to sleep, then my friend told me not to sleep because those douchebag classmates of ours seated in our front view (we were formed in a U-shape) were laughing. At the back of my mind I said, and so? I know myself that if my body wants to sleep, then it will sleep. Our speaker shifted to an all boring mode and nobody was even listening anymore.

Finally, the recollection ended and me and my friends stayed at one apartment. We rested for awhile, talked and everything. I went back to my dormitory to change and put on slippers (because my killer wedge shoes need rest too!).

We rode a Jeepney to go to the mall and when we asked for the driver to stop, he didn’t stop right away because there were snatchers/thieves along the roadside. When the driver stopped, we were afraid to go but then one of us moved and all of us followed quickly.

Due to our busy schedule, it was only this time that me and my friends went out. One of my friends was going to buy pants, she didn’t buy one here so we went to another mall (by another Jeepney ride again, see how the Jeepney is so convenient, haha :D).

We saw two of our classmates who were lovers and another girl who was with someone new.  I treated my friends for dinner, we did a little grocery shopping and was then on our way home.

My friends told me that I was doing it again (the thing with Daddy V, I’ve already done with College Crush albeit in a more disastrous way). They told me that even though I don’t care our classmates still have those judgemental eyes. I know what they’re saying is true. When I was back at my dormitory, thinking about it I had a sudden reality experience.

Because my friend told me that if I keep acting that way, our classmates would think I’m “thirsty” for men. Right then I wanted to tell her that maybe I am. And I realized maybe it’s because I didn’t have much of a good shot with my father, the lack of a male figure ( although  I have my grandfather, it’s just not the same with a father), and the lack of male friend or much worse, a suitor, heck, I was even androphobic.

What everyone doesn’t understand is that when I hug them, it’s the satiation of my deprived feelings. And it is just clearly, purely, innocent friendship.

Anyway, I’m glad that I came into this realization, or else I’d end being promiscuous or desperate for a man. And I will not do any physical contact with the boys that might make another scene.

This is the longest post I wrote to you Diary, I hope that satiates my infrequent updates. 😀

Dear Diary #6

September 13, 2012

Dear Diary,

Once again I feel so wasted. I feel like I’m wasting time, wasting energy, wasting tears…and I feel like such a waste of space. Like I woke up and I don’t know where I am. I don’t know why I’m here. So our professor gave us our Prelim grade though he already owes us our Midterm grades. Of course I had a failed grade. At first I was like ‘Okay, I didn’t expect any better anyway’, but then later it just grew on me. While our professor was giving one of his ‘talks’ I can’t help but compare myself to his student before. He told me that she was a good student but maybe Accounting really wasn’t for her. She shifted to Marketing Management and she was happy. I felt like I’m so much like her, except I can’t shift anymore, I’m already in my 3rd year.

 

And so, like every time, I felt like crying again and I did. I feel sad Diary, that every time I write to you, it’s always so gloomy and depressing. Though I want to tell you that I’m much fine now. I have been coping and I feel much happy compared to the other times I told you I cried.

 

I was crying in the classroom trying my best to make it subtle. I would stop then cry again. I was trying to relax again so I did breathing exercises, I breathed in and breathed out, I was swaying back and forth, until I was already closing my eyes hoping no one would see me.

 

I’d finally decided that I’d go to the comfort room. There I was again. Because I knew myself, when something bad is of matter, I won’t let it stay inside me, I would cry to let it all out. Its my way of…well, self-preservation. because if I won’t let it out, then I’m a time bomb waiting to burst.

 

I burst everything out. I feel like failure loves me as much as my desire for success. Actually, it’s not that I’m never content, it’s because I can’t be content that I failed. It’s my biggest fear in the world, to fail. Of course failure is necessary to achieve success but the only hint of success I have right now is ”success”-ive  failures. I’m just so fed up.

 

The moment I was in the last cubicle it didn’t take me long to free all the emotions, and it also didn’t take me long inside. I was thinking about my mother, my aunt, myself of course, and so my cry spurted out sounds, it wasn’t louder than my first bathroom drama but those who heard me reacted much worse than the first time. First, there was one who said ‘shit’ and then all the others followed through the door, it was so noisy that you could have mistaken it for a real stampede instead of scared girls. When they were out I heard one say ‘someone was crying’.

 

Maybe it is bad but I couldn’t help but laugh. That maybe it was God’s way to make me smile, although in a naughty way, haha. I waited for a bit to go out and when I saw my face, I was surprised. I didn’t look like I cried at all, except for my face’s gloomy build-up, the usual signs that I cried weren’t there. I would normally have puffy red eyes with matching Rudolph ‘the red-nosed reindeer’ nose, so red that it’s ready for Christmas.

 

I came back inside the classroom and drank water. If there is one thing I learned after being a drama queen, it’s that water is so refreshing and relieving after you cried.

 

I was writing this when my classmate asked me if she can look at it and I blocked it because I’m shy. Haha!

 

Oh well, ’til next time…and I’ll try to avoid making Moaning Myrtle an urban legend in the 2nd floor ladies’ room. 🙂

Dear Diary #5

August 16, 2012

Dear Diary,

The past three days from Monday to Wednesday I’ve been busy (yet again) because I had quizzes.

It was Tuesday when something unexpectedly funny yet a little bit concerning happened. After 2 hours of answering (if I barely did) my Cost Accounting quiz, I’m pretty sure I flunked it. After I passed my paper, I went directly to the comfort room. I went to the last cubicle. I couldn’t help but cry. And it went on and on. I was thinking about a lot of things, what if I fail?, what will my mother do?, etc. , until I was already crying like a whale. I could hear the women entering and leaving the comfort room when…three girls (I’m not sure if they were more or less) suddenly slammed the door, they were noisy too and somehow weird-ed out or scared. I thought about it and maybe they looked at themselves, a la ‘I’m in a horror movie look’ and raced to the door. Haha! After all, I was crying at the last cubicle, maybe they didn’t think about checking and just scared themselves.

When I told what happened to my friend and roommate we both laughed. 😀

I think my next pen name in our student publication’s literary folio should be ‘moaning myrtle’.

Dear Diary #4

August 12, 2012

Dear Diary,

So it’s afternoon already and I’m still bombarded with a lot to do. Okay, I procrastinated with my free days. That doesn’t mean I don’t know how to handle my time, it’s just that I really can’t focus on what to do. For the record, I have to review on Calculus, Cost Accounting and Financial Accounting, and I have to read our ‘‘Law On Obligations and Contracts’’ book.

While reading I just can’t stay put, I’m worrying again and spurring either random thoughts or just plain blabber.

I live in a land of narrow-minded fools, where such a folly is famous and prevailing. Not my family but, well…my classmates and schoolmates and those around me.  Maybe that’s why I want to graduate already, I can’t conform with them, aside from the fact that I am not with my true friends. Of course I have friends at school but they are nothing like my high school friends. I have little things in common with them in contrast with my two beloved high school and lifetime friends. I wonder why it’s so hard to form a friendship with those unlike you.

And my classmates, all of them dream of the same thing, I don’t. I have different plans, different goals, a different path. Just because we spend the day in the same room doesn’t mean the same for when we graduate. But most of all, I don’t have to fit in. It’s fine with me. That day will come when I’m finally walking on the road I should be.

So I was thinking about those things when I enter my sister’s room, she was watching Galaxy Angel on DVD.  I joined in because heck, I love anime and I miss those days when I can freely watch it without any worries in mind. My weekends are really like a day-off from work. I’m at my home. And Sunday only hurts when thoughts of Monday come along.

While watching Galaxy Angel, I suddenly remembered that the 5 main characters are different personalities yet, they seem to show a bit of care or connection at least. I wonder if that can really work in real life. I am not saying that I don’t love my college friends, it’s just that I’m not fully with them. I may be physically present in our “bonding times” but mentally, I want to be elsewhere. I know I’m a good friend to them, I help them in ways I can. Somehow I can’t tell them that I’m not happy with college life anymore, I don’t want to tell them anyway. I can’t share a lot of things to them. In fact, they know little about me. And it’s a reason I have learned to love blogging because in some way I know I am capable of sharing things. Maybe I can’t share everything to them, I just think that what’s important is that I’m still a friend to them.

Okay, enough blabber now. Back to work.